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The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia

“Why? Why did they make the sequels? Why?”

I am not certain that you are aware
Of a third Neverending Story movie.
I would not blame you one bit;
I would not dare hold you responsible.
This film may have been made on a dare,
And surely not out of pure envy,
Because it is truly a piece of shit
And I beg you to not be so gullible.

With the exception of Jack Black,
The acting is just so dreadful.
Why is the kid from Free Willy here?
Why is his performance such a bore?
They brought Falkor the Luck Dragon back
But now he’s retarded and dull.
You would think he’s had at least one beer
And he seems to be a lot shorter than before.

Why is the Childlike Empress not childlike?
She’s a woman whose eyes constantly bulge out.
She admits she’d use the Auryn for shopping,
Which would make sense if Fantasia had malls.
The Rock Biter is back with his bike.
Along the trail he proudly sings about
Being ‘Born To Be Wild’ while peddling.
Hearing him sing makes me want to punch my balls.

The Rock Biter also has a family.
He has a wife who’s very annoying
And a son who’s possibly gay for Bastian.
Plus, they all look too much like Muppets!
The gnomes are back, too, unfortunately.
Engywook and his wife go travelling
In a box that raises an odd question:
Why’d they wait so long to pee in their fake sets?

There’s a new character called the Bark Troll.
He also lives in Fantasia, but
He makes too many real world references
And is worse comic relief than the gnomes.
You’d think this movie was made by Uwe Boll
Or someone who was a crazy nut,
However, no one came to their senses
To say no to a bad script that just roams.

Even Bastian’s father returns.
So we go from Gerald McRaney
Of Major Dad to John Wesley Shipp
Of The Flash to who the hell knows anyway.
In the last movie Bastian’s father learns
About The Neverending Story.
But here his story arc has taken a dip
And his knowledge of the book has gone away.

Then there’s Bastian’s new stepmother,
A character who is underdeveloped
And in need of fleshing out story wise.
If only the writers weren’t so lazy.
The same problem lies with Bastian’s stepsister.
Even though her screen time has been upped,
You’d still wish she could meet her demise
Because her clichéd part is no daisy.

And what of Mr. Koreander?
He goes from a creepy owner of a book store
To being a creepy librarian,
Particularly at Bastian’s new school.
His role in this film is so much weaker
That the actor who played him twice before
Decided that he would put down his pen
And not sign on to look like a fool.

What is the deal with the subtitle?
Escape From Fantasia is misleading
For one very, very simple reason:
No one is really trying to escape.
A good title can be very vital
To a film’s successful, money-making,
Enduring, worldwide box office run.
It’s too bad this title stinks like an ape.

This poem can keep going on and on
But it just wouldn’t be fair to you all.
This movie is really, really awful
And will test the patience of die-hard fans.
The running time will feel like an eon
And you will bang your head against the wall.
However, it would be very helpful
To have pot smoking included in your plans.

There are numerous films that are plain bad.
If you haven’t figured it out by now,
Please allow me to now clue you in
To this disaster of a movie.
Avoid it entirely and you’ll be glad;
Watch it entirely and you’ll have a cow.
But if you really, really want to win
Then you’ll get high and watch the film with glee.

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